Deep in the Mire…
“Deeper and deeper I sink into the mire; I can’t find a foothold to stand on. I am in deep water, and the floods overwhelm me. I am exhausted from crying for help; my throat is parched and dry. My eyes are swollen with weeping, waiting for my God to help me.” Psalms 69:2-3
This is where I am. I am deep in the mire and can’t find even a glimpse of a way out. It seems like everything I do to pull myself up out of this pit I have fallen into gets me only stuck deeper and harder. It just seems like I can’t get ahead in life.
Right now, all I want to accomplish are the following:
#1- I want to have a a functioning car. I was there. But in the last two weeks things have started to happen. Not the least of which include: my calipers are starting to lock up, my transmission is slipping (I think), I have a crack in my oil pan the size of Texas, and I have random lights flashing at me on the display panel. All of this in the last two weeks. Geez- just in time for winter, huh? 
#2- I want to go back to school in the spring. Because of poor choices I’ve made in the past this doesn’t look like it’s likely to happen. I’m pretty much going to have to save up enough money to pay for college up front before I can even think about going back. This is going to take a while, considering how much my problems with #1 are going to cost, and how expensive #3 is probably going to be.
#3- I want to move out of my parents’ house. It depresses me to be there. All I ever hear about is what I’ve done wrong, what I’m doing wrong, and what I’m going to do wrong. They don’t even give me a chance to make any poor choices before they start getting on me about it. I understand that I’ve made some horrible decisions in my past, but that is in my past. I’ve grown up. It has literally been years since I’ve done anything like that. My choices today should reflect the changes I’ve made in my life. I am active in my church (well, until my car started breaking, anyhow), this summer I worked 3 full-time jobs, I am seeing a counselor (a huge deal to my dad who believes therapy is the answer to everything), and I have a good solid diverse group of friends. On top of that, I have to watch their destructive patterns. Sometimes the poison and bitterness becomes almost a tangible item because it is so thick. I am often forced into the middle of it. It is very hard for me to handle. Even at my age, and having grown up with it, I still cry myself to sleep on a regular basis because it hurts so badly to watch. A lot has happened in my life since I last lived at home, a lot of things that are making it even harder to adjust to the way things are there. I have been married, made a home with my husband in two different locations, found a solid job, watched my marriage crumble beneath me, gone through a very bitter divorce, had him take everything because I just wanted it to be done, and tried rebuilding my life with nothing. I had no money, no home, no nothing. He left me with a few bills to pay, a negative bank balance, zeroed out savings account, and a car with almost 200,000 miles. There was no way I could afford the house he and I had been renting, although I did try. The utilities were just too steep and the rent too high for me to do it on my own. Because I had nothing in the bank I wasn’t able to put a security deposit down on a new place. This forced me to move in with my parents. I went from complete freedom to a curfew, being unable to have anyone over, sharing a kitchen, needing to tell two different people where I was going to be and when I was going to be there and who I was going to be there with and what I would be doing, and having my every movement judged and critiqued.
Simple solution, right? Just move out? I wish. I’m still recovering financially from the divorce. Trying to keep the house put me in the bad place of being late on a few bills which wracked up some hefty late charges. I’m done paying them off now, but therapy sessions aren’t cheap- especially when you don’t have any insurance. I don’t live close to work, so gas is a killer. My car is falling apart and needing some pricey repairs (and, no, I don’t have enough saved up to get a new one. And I’m learning how to budget for one person again. When you’re married, it doesn’t cost anymore to heat a home if two people are living in it versus one, you get a huge price break on your car insurance, your cost for therapy is only your copay, and pretty much every bill is softened by two paychecks and the fact that most don’t double even if it’s two people on them.
Also, I don’t do well living completely alone. I freak out coming home to an empty house. I don’t know if I could do it. Oh, and I forgot to mention the fact that I need to find a place that allows dogs. I can’t forget my adorable little Teagan! 
So, yeah, I’m pretty much living paycheck to paycheck right now with everything that’s going on. Which wouldn’t bother me in the least bit, but I’m going to go off the deep end if I have to stay in that house much longer. Sometimes I feel almost like I need to take a shower every couple of hours just to wash the hate off of me….
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