Not Good Enough…
I have a demon that I struggle with. I thought I had conquered it a while back, but it has reared it’s ugly head once more and now I find myself in another bitter battle. That demon is called Notgoodenough.
The Notgoodenough demon takes form in several different ways. I know I’m good. I’m a good friend, I am a good employee, I am a good rider, I am a good artist, but Notgoodenough prevents me from being any more. For example:
I am a good friend. Some would even say that I am their “best friend” (whatever that title means), but I am not good enough to be anything more. I am a good person to call if you want to vent about work, if you want to have dinner, if you want to grab a drink, if you want some coffee and conversation, if you want to take a walk around town, if you need a sounding board, if you just want to have a ridiculous conversation surrounding even more ridiculous one-liners from ridiculously funny movies, if you want to have a bonfire, if you want to see a concert, if you want to dream about the future, if you want to make a great memory, if you want to go to a wine tasting, if you want to host a get-together, if you want to grill out. I am good for all of that and more. I am good for pouring your heart out to, but I am not good enough to open it up to. I am not good enough to even be considered for that special place reserved in your heart for that person that you want to spend the rest of your life with. I was recently told by my best friend that “It is going to be really sad when (he) get(s) married, because we will no longer be friends because it wouldn’t be appropriate”. Translation: “You are my best friend, but you are not good enough to ever view as anything more. I do not value your friendship enough to want to keep it for the rest of my life.” I wanted to cry.
Another good friend keeps venting to me about her life. I have never judged what she’s going through. I have been there for her to lean on. I am good for late night conversations, vent sessions, movies, puppy play dates, dinner, “road-trips” to Denny’s, reminiscing about good times, relationship Q&A, and the occassional shopping trip (I have no idea how she talks me into those). She has often called me a “really good friend”, but apparently I am not good enough to be viewed as one. She has repeatedly told me during our conversations that “If (she) had even one friend, things would be better for (her).” Translation: “You are a good listener, but you are not good enough for me to truly view you as a friend”. Again, it hurts.
I am a good employee. I go above and beyond what is asked of me. I am often “promoted”. I put that in quotes, because I’m not sure what sort of promotions they really are. My job title gets a boost, so do my responsibilities, but my pay does not. I have to fight tooth-and-nail to get even the smallest monetary recognition for my work load. I am currently holding a position at one of my jobs that if I were to apply for it anywhere it would most likely require a degree. I am getting paid only $.50 an hour than when I was just a customer service rep. Suck. Translation: “We like what you do, and we appreciate your hard work and the rewards we reap from it, but you are not good enough to reward for all of your extra effort.”
I try to be a good daughter. I know that I wasn’t always. I’m not arguing that point here, but I am trying very very very hard now. I help out both of my parents when I can. I don’t party, disappear, do drugs, or hang out with a bad crowd. I go to church, work 3.5 jobs, am rebuilding my credit, and have even financially invested in my mom’s company. The only time my dad ever really talks to me is when he is either disappointed in a decision I’ve made or when he is drudging up my past to prove a point. The only thing I ever hear from my mom is how disappointed she is in me and how I do everything wrong. They both constantly ask for my help, which I try to give as often as I can, but sometimes work conflicts with my ability to do so, or what they are asking is directly in opposition to what the other one has asked, in which case I try to stay out of it. I get berated when I can’t follow through on a task they have asked me to do. They rarely ever mention me to their friends. I can remember many instances where my dad’s good friends have been over and have asked me what I’m up to, after they have gone on and on about everything my sister is accomplishing, because my dad hasn’t really said anything about me. I guess I should be happy he is even mentioning my name, though. I’ve actually run into friends of my mom who have been flabbergasted when I corrected them and said my name was Kimi after they called me Viki. They had never heard me ever even mentioned in conversations with my mom, and she talks about my sister constantly. Translation: “You are good for favors and labor, but you are not good enough to claim as our daughter.” Again, ouch!
So, the Notgoodenough demon is showing in full force in my life again right now. And, unfortunately I am weak and losing the battle. I am starting to believe the lies and allow this monster to overtake my heart. As the ending of a poem by Kimberly Morgan goes:
My eyes, they bleed – My heart cries tears
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