Soul Tired…
I am tired. Very tired.
I’m not talking about a lack of sleep tired; no, I’m talking about a deep within my soul exhaustion. The kind you can’t sleep away, but still makes you want to sleep all day, all the time. The kind of exhaustion that is so powerful within your soul that you can physically feel it. You yawn constantly, have trouble keeping your eyes open during a movie (and sometimes while driving!), and dream of sleep during the day at work. It’s exhaustion so deep and so real it almost feels to you as if it were a constant physical companion.
The only way you can avoid it is my constantly moving. That is why I work 3.5 jobs, volunteer, and try to keep my calendar as full as possible. I work out feverishly, throw myself into every task (often with an intensity unrequired), help plan things, take on extra responsibilities at work I know I won’t get pay and/or recognition for, and smoke (I know I promised to quit after the divorce). I do it all so I don’t stand still. Because, if I stand still, I will eventually sit, and if I sit, I begin to think, and when I think is when the soul-deep exhaustion hits like a train into a brick wall.
Sitting still is when you will find me with my head in my hands, unconsciously fighting back tears. You might ask me a question and I will have to make you repeat yourself three times before I find a reserve of strength large enough to make myself comprehend just what you have said. Then it will take me another minute to force my brain to cooperate with an answer. The simplest of tasks become exceedingly difficult for me to accomplish. i will read a sentence five times over and still not absorb what it said. I can’t focus on a computer screen to do my inventory sheets at work. At times, even talking proves difficult for me. My tongue will feel extremely thick and flacid and I will have to use every ounce of my concentration to produce comprehendable words.
At times I struggle not to cry. Not because I’m sad, but, rather, from sheer exhaustion. Many people tell me it’s from “burning the candle at both ends”, what with my 3.5 jobs, trying to maintain a social life, my crazy work-out schedule, and doing other projects- but I know it’s not. I’ve dealt with physical exhaustion from too much work and not enough sleep. That kind of tired is easily solved by a nice three day weekend with plenty of rest to recharge my battery. No, now I dream of sleep. But when I do finally get the chance, it is a deep, dreamless sleep that affords me no rest. I often wake as exhausted, if not more so, than when I went to bed. I look forward to sleep only because during it I don’t know how exhausted I really am.
It is not from sadness. Yes, I have had many painful things happen in the past few years, but I have forced myself to acknowledge, deal, and grieve over those issues. No, this deep-soul exhaustion I experience is from having to deal with these and more issues every day.
It comes from being a manager at two very different, very unorganized companies. From losing three good friends to the war in Iraq. It comes from the knowledge that another four of “my boys” are returning to the Sandbox, one of them for a thrid tour of duty, and two will be patroling Tikrit- the very place we lost Drew. It comes from struggling through a marriage with a man who lied in order to convince me to marry him, and who apparantly didn’t feel the need to remain faithful. It comes from coming to terms with the knowledge that, after only a year, a marriage that was supposed to last forever was already over. It comes from trying to get him to agree to things so we don’t have to go through the courts. It comes from contemplating a restraining order on some days because he has taken his obsession to a whole new level of creepy messages, threatening voicemails, following me, and making my life as difficult as possible by refusing to leave me alone or let me go until I “agree to be friends”. It comes from beinga pawn in the games my parents play with one another. It comes from having the shoulder I was always able to lean on pulled away suddenly because he didn’t approve of my choice of husband. It comes from desperately trying to gain a word of encouragement from my mother, who, no matter how hard I try, and even if I’ve volunteered to help, tells me nothing other than what I’m doing wrong. It comes from having a miscarriage, and then receiving the devastating news that I may or may not ever be able to have children. It comes from being in love with a man for over eight years, knowing it will never amount to anything because he won’t take the first step and I’ve been hurt every time I’ve put myself out there for him. It comes from not being able to talk to my best friend about that guy- because they are one and the same. It comes from being shunned by a church because they found out about my past. It comes from struggling ever day to remember how beautiful and worthy of love I truly am- and then receive a huge blow to that battle when I hear a group of boys whisper not so quietly to one another about how fat I am, or hearing a stick-thin friend complain about how fat she is- and then tell me I “don’t understand because (I’m) a big girl who is confident about herself”! It comes from waking up at 4 am to take care of the dog before showering and getting to work by 5, working a 7 hour shift with no real breaks(knowing full well I was scheduled only 7 hours so they wouldn’t have to) and listening to customers complain because they had to wait two and a hald minutes for their skinny, half-caff, sugar-free caramel, extra hot latte and then get it and it has more froth than they like so I have to remake it (forget about the seven people standing in line waiting for their drinks who are going to complain to me because they waited two minutes and forty five seconds for their lattes). I comes from having to smile, apologize, and remake it three times until it’s “just right” (never mind it wound up with the exact same amount of froth as the first one…). It comes from finishing that shift, quickly changing in the bathroom, and racing to Blaine to punch in 5 minutes late hoping no one will notice (even though it’s only happening because my boss there is an idiot and keeps forgetting I’m supposed to have certain days off to work at my other jobs). It comes from sliding into my spot behind the customer service desk just in time to answer a ringing phone and suddenly remember I’ve forgotten to eat anything that day (again). It comes from the person on the other end of the phone being of the distinct impression that rules and policies don’t apply to them, and then cussing me out because I won’t make an exception about the policy that I have no authority to change. It comes from the same person storming into the store later that evening, demanding to see a manager and then having that manager grant the exception (Keep in mind this is the very same manager who refused to take the call earlier that day and told me to tell the customer that there were “absolutely no exceptions!”). It comes from working there until 9 and getting home at 10 and playing with my dog for an hour while I try to stuff some food down my throat before I go to bed at 11 only to have to get up at 4 and do it all again the next day. It comes from the daily observation that aggressive, impatient, rude people seem to always get what they want, while the kind and considerate people of this world get absolutely nothing in return for their patience and understanding. It comes from seeing all of this and still choosing to not give into the urge to become a bully to get my way. It comes from putting all of my spare energy and time into my hopes and dreams and then having them yanked out from under me as soon as I make any progress. It comes from all of this and so much more.
My soul is tired-
When will it get to sleep…?
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