Walking the Fine Line…
In most people’s lives there is a fine line to walk between two conflicting portions. For some it is between providing for their family with long hours at work, and spending quality time with them. For others it may be balancing between the separate worlds of work and school. Or giving and receiving. For me, it is walking the fine line between who I was and who I want to be.
Let me begin by giving a background for those of you who don’t know who I am. I am a former drug user and compulsive liar. I used to be very easy, drink too much, be very bitter, hate myself, and attract the wrong sort of people. I also, although I believed in the Trinity, also believed that all of the things wrong in my life were due to God trying to punish me. As a result, I decided to try to punish Him through my actions. Most of my choices were very deliberate, and very self-destructive.
It wasn’t until shortly my senior year of high school that I began to clean up my life- due in large part to my youth pastor (Mark Bingham), friends (Laci and Christian), and a couple mentors who really invested in me (Kaye and Gary). It wasn’t the easiest road to recovery, and I fell many times. I know I hurt all of them many times over, and most likely fairly severely. I wasn’t the most open to the advice and help they all tried to give me. Their examples made me want what they had, but my heart wasn’t in a place to be ready for it yet. I still believed that I wasn’t worthy of the happiness that they offered me. I didn’t believe that I was able to receive any sort of progress in my journey to that place because I assumed I had to clean up my life before I could receive any help doing it (crazy- I know- but many of the people in the place where I was would agree with it. We feel that we need to make a major amount of progress before anyone can help us do anything). They all told me through their actions and words that I was wrong and was just fine asking for help the way I was- but I couldn’t bring myself to believe it.
As a result, I walked away from the progress I had made several times. I would become overwhelmed and depressed and realize that I couldn’t do it on my own and then I would give up. I would go back to being exactly the way I had been before- or sometimes even worse. On several occasions I fell back down into heavy drinking, depression, drugs, and other self-destructive behaviors. Eventually I walked away from my positive influences completely. I went back to school where most of my time was spent at bars and parties rather than classes and lectures. I got into a lot of trouble there, and I also met a man I would eventually marry. Because of my “collegiate activities” and the man I was seeing, I eventually left the area and closed myself off to my friends and mentors. I think the thing I was trying to find out was if they would follow me- if they cared enough to chase after me and keep trying to bring me back. They never followed. I know now that this wasn’t their fault- I was extremely difficult to get a hold of and hadn’t made it easy for anyone (I went through several different phone numbers, moved to several locations, and wasn’t really living at any one physical address for any length of time). When they did get a hold of me, I would brush them off citing work or some other prior engagement.
God hadn’t forgotten about me, though. He slowly began turning my life upside down. My marriage began breaking down through my husband’s infidelity and his parents’ controlling tendencies. My family’s normal dysfunction became even more pronounced and my normally close relationship with my father suddenly developed an impenetrable wall. My farm began to finally take flight, only to come to a crash landing very quickly after. Many monetary debts I had wracked up and forgotten about caught up with me. Then the major things happened-
#1- My friend, Drew, was killed in the Iraq War (see Music and Emotion post below to find out more about this amazing man).
#3- Gary passed due to complications arising from a stroke.
#2- My mentor, Kaye, passed of a heart-attack.
It was really Kaye’s passing that brought my life into a sharp focus. She was someone I had viewed as a mother and a friend. One of the only people in my life that showed me what true unconditional love was. She not only loved me but also expected things from me. She was convinced I would make something out of my life (whether I believed her or not).
I had been contemplating a lot of things before I got that phone call, but when I heard Laci’s voice on the other end of the line telling me that Kaye had passed, well, it brought it all into a whole different realm of clarity.
This is another reason I know that God hadn’t forgotten about me. When I walked into that hospital, I saw people I needed to see. These were friends that I hadn’t seen in years, but they were all there and we all immediately began leaning on one another again. It was this immediate re-acceptance that finally brought my soul to the understanding that it didn’t matter what I had done- these people cared about me anyway. And if they cared about me- how much more did God? I began a quick zealous search for what God wanted me to accomplish with my life and discovered a world of happiness more amazing that I could ever imagine.
Well, that brings me to the present. I have found a church that I love and a work within it/through it that I am passionate about. I work with an at-risk group of girls (all of which are between the ages of 12 and 16). This is where I am having a problem walking my line.
When working with these girls (and most other people, really) I need to walk a VERY narrow line between who I was and who I want to be. You see, I need to open up my past to these girls in order for them to relate to me in a positive way that will help stear them away from the destructive paths they are on and closer to God. But, at the same time, I can’t be the person that I was. It’s kind of hard to describe. In order to make any headway with this group of girls I know I need to let a little of the old Kimi show through, but not come through. They need to know that I really do relate to the things that they are going through and I know exactly what they are dealing with, but they also need to know that I am not that way anymore. This is very hard for me. Where do I draw the line with discussions? How do I help them change without making them feel judged? How do I relate without regressing? Sometimes I feel like instead of walking the line, I’m hopping from one side to the other so quickly that it’s hard to tell if I am or not. That won’t work either. I know what these girls need- I know because I needed it. They need love, security, to feel safe, and probably most of all- stability. If I can’t offer them stability, then I can’t offer them anything else. If I can’t find a way to walk that line soon, then they are going to see that I am not that rock they need, and I will have dealt another blow to their relationship (or lack thereof) with Christ. I so desperately wish Kaye was here to help. She always knew how to walk it. She did it so well with me. She knew just how much of her imperfections to show without making it look like she was living life as a hypocrite. She provided the stability I so desperately needed. I so desperately wish I could do that for these kids- my heart aches for them. I know how dark the place is where they are. I just wish I knew how to walk the line…
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